CR POST

[selfkismesis]

updated: 4/19/12

Karkat Vantas [ Homestuck ]
	fuck this guy no, seriously. there is no one Karkat hates more than himself. His inability to stop omnipotent dog demons/robots/black plague rocks/every other disaster from befalling his team just multiplies that self-loathing.

Aradia Megido [ Homestuck ]
	She was more interesting when she was alive. Her doom predictions only drive Karkat to rage, and while they confirm his inner suspicions that they were all going to fail and die, he will never admit it. She's not actually a robot in Karkat's mind.

Tavros Nitram [ Homestuck ]
	God, this guy is so pathetic. It must have been nice to sleep SGRUB away and to just skyfrolic. Even though his best friend is imaginary, Karkat’s pretty sure Tavros’ quality of life is far greater than his own. Oh, who are you kidding? Tavros is the joke of the universe, only second to Karkat on the “Paradox Space’s Biggest Failure” list. His life fucking sucks. Currently dropped.

Sollux Captor [ Homestuck ]

Sollux Captor, even before SGRUB, was Karkat’s bro. He’s one of the few people who can put up with Karkat’s nonstop ornery bullshitfest, and, in fact, can effectively counter it with his own bullshitfest. It’s pretty goddamn impressive and means that Karkat respects the (previously) two-toned freak. In Sacrosanct, their relation was a lot rockier than before, mainly due to the introduction of a Strider factor. However, they are bros. They got over it, and Karkat was able to discuss pale emotions with Sollux in the confines of a pillow fortress. While Sollux may have roboparts, Karkat’s rampaging roboracism remains in check due to the fact that Karkat hates robots for what they did to Sollux.

Nepeta Leijon [ Homestuck ]

Oh, this one’s awkward. Karkat’s fond of her, but not in the way she wishes he were. He feels responsible for her, especially considering the lack of Equius in her life, and he feels that she’s too goddamn stupid to realize threats when they exist (robothreats, to be specific). He’s still dreading the day she might get the courage to confess her red feelings (the ones she thinks he doesn’t know about).

Kanaya Maryam [ Homestuck ]

Good friend, best moirail. When in the Veil, Kanaya was one of the few people Karkat could talk to, because, hey, she was one of the few people who isn’t completely insane. He enjoyed their connection far more than he realized—it took confronting her about her own death for him to realize he had a mega palecrush. She keeps him from winning the gold in the Beijing Rage Olympics, and he provides her blood to drink (just so long as she doesn’t look). Their mutual palecrushes grew and grew until about everyone ever knew about it except each other (Terezi noticed, Karkat told Sollux, Shodan Hivemind shared Kanaya’s feelings). Finally, after SHODANCE ver. 2 (revenge of the robutt), they admitted their feelings and became the most awkwardly adorable moirails ever. Until she dropped. Karkat's mentality in Sacrosanct is to get himself into enough trouble that Kanaya will have no choice but to return. It's not working. Until it did work, and she came back. They are precious.

Terezi Pyrope [ Homestuck ]

There is no one who quite riles him up like Terezi does. The majority of their conversations end in childish bickering and Karkat in ragefits, but he respects her. A lot. She found out about his blood and never told anyone. She's there when he needs someone to readjust his perspective, like when she countered his 'I SUCK' with 'you are good leader DEAL WITH IT NERD.' He's also obscenely jealous of her infatuation with Strider, one that's DEVOLVED into them going out on a date. In Karkat's mind, this signals the end of times. He spent about a month in a closet eating ice cream due to emotional distress. They are still pretty close friends, and Karkat still has massive feelings for her, but IT IS NOT TO BE.

Terezi Pyrope [ Homestuck AU ]

Feelings. So many feelings. They have been dancing around each other with large quantities of feelings for an incredible amount of time, and Karkat is still too scared to act. There are three main reasons for this fear: 1) The other Terezi chose Dave. Her explanation was because he asked while Karkat didn’t; however, it still hurts to be rejected and broke his little heart. He doesn’t want something like that to happen again, and he thinks it’ll be worse if he asks and she turns him down. 2) He feels guilty. Because he really, really, really like(d/s) the Terezi who was here first, while he really, really, really likes the CRAU Terezi. Oh look at that! Terezi 1 turned him down, but there’s a brand new one on the scene to go after!! Karkat’s feelings don’t work like that, whoops. 3) At prom, he found out about A_facility!Karkat. He still doesn’t know how to take 3.

Vriska Serket [ Homestuck ]

Hurghhhhh Most. Annoying. Asshole. Ever. God Tier didn’t help. Vriska’s always subverting (or outright mocking) Karkat’s orders, which drives him absolutely shithive maggots. Almost everything she’s done (in the Veil and in Sacrosanct), Karkat considers wrong and critiques as much as possible. From her relationships to her fighting, to her trust in John’s competence—it’s all bullshit, and she doesn’t seem to fucking understand. But, she’s still a troll, and Karkat considers her apart of his team, even if she’s not allowed to know where their secret hive is. Which means he will still issue demands and orders, even if she ignores them, and would probably come to her aid if she needed it (though he knows she’d never ask).

Equius Zahhak [ Homestuck ]

Karkat likes to limit his time spent with this sweaty asshole as much as possible. He’s annoying. He constantly reminds Karkat of the Hemospectrum, which is a Thing Karkat would rather not think about for obvious reasons. But he’s good muscle, and he follows orders. He’s a useful member of Karkat’s shitty team of trolls, which means Karkat feels oddly protective of him. During the last Equius' stay in Sacrosanct, Karkat got heavily involved in trying to sort out his fucked up romantic life through musical interludes and advice. Unfortunately, before anything could happen, Equius left. Currently dropped.

Gamzee Makara [ Homestuck ]

YOU USELESS PIECE OF INFURIATING BEAUTIFUL. Gamzee is like this incredibly doped up babbycluckbeast, and Karkat is an elegantly plumed hen powered by wrath itself. He's convinced that Gamzee can't function in the real world (despite the presence of ~*~*miracles~*~*~) and he feels responsible for him. In canon, this develops into a moiraillgence. In Singularity, this develops into "let's get a bear and train it to maul Striders." The bear's name is Harry. Currently dropped.

Eridan Ampora [ Homestuck ]

h my god, you are a mess. If HS was an ideal world, Karkat would be Eridan's Sassy Gay Friend. He would be there to say "You stupid bitch, what are you doing? You need to rethink your life; rethink your choices." But HS is the most fucked up of all worlds, so Karkat just gapes helplessly at Eridan as he goes on murder sprees. Whoops. It's taken a while, but Karkat genuinely feels pretty bad for Eridan. THERE IS NO PITY. Just a "wow, fuck" feeling in the pit of his thorax. It took him a few months, but now he's at the point where he will be able to save Eridan's ass if Kanaya ever shows up again and goes after him with a chainsaw.

Feferi Peixes [ Homestuck ]

Too goddamn cheerful. Karkat’s a little jealous of all the time Sollux spends with her, but whatever. It makes them happy, even if watching them together is the most disgusting thing in the world. Karkat doesn’t speak with her much, and her trust in the Horrorterrors freaks Karkat the fuck out. Anyone who likes those things has to be completely out of their pan. That’s the only conclusion. Currently dropped.

John Egbert [ Homestuck ]
	[TEXT TEXT TEXT]

Rose Lalonde [ Homestuck ]
	your color is stupid

Dave Strider (red) [ Homestuck ]

FUCK THIS GUY. There is nothing about Strider that does not infuriate Karkat. In fact, on some level of consciousness, he is convinced that Strider is the manifestation of everything Karkat hates in the world. He types in red (while hiding his eyes), he's a prick and tries too hard to be cool, HE STOLE TEREZI, HE'S IN SOLLUX'S QUADRANTS, and well that hate couldn't remain platonic for long. Sloppy hatemakeouts occurred, and Karkat has never regretted anything more in his life. John's auspisticing for them, but honestly, Karkat just doesn't want to think about him or see him or anything, because wow, embarrassment.

Dave Strider (orange) [ Homestuck AU ]
	way too involved with vriska, what the fuck man. But the fact that their relationship has lasted proves to Karkat that maybe, just maybe, troll relationships with humans can work.

Dave Strider (pink) [ Homestuck AU ]
	jack hates him. HE IS OBVIOUSLY THE DEVIL or something.

Bro Strider [ Homestuck ]
	douche douche douche douche douche douche

Jade Harley [ Homestuck ]

Despite whatever she may think, Karkat is her patron troll and she can just DEAL WIT IT. Jade's one of the few people who can rise to Karkat's level of aggression head-to-head and win. Despite this, she's playful, happy, and annoying as FUCK. But it's her bed Karkat hides under when emotional Junior Highschool shit goes down. Every once in a while, he thinks he hates her romantically, but then they have a ridiculous feelings jam in the middle of the street, and Karkat realizes that's stupid. They're pretty good friends, even if they fight a lot.

Jaedri Harleigh [ Homestuck AU ]

Karkat's relationship with Jaedri is a lot like his one with Jade. They bicker and fight, but they're still kinda friends. He feels a little more overprotective of her than usual, though. Probably because she's a troll, and Karkat is convinced that keeping trolls alive is his duty in life, no matter how badly he fails at it. When she was dealing with Black Rock bullshit, he was there with a fresh batch of bitching and popsicles. That's how they roll. Currently dropped.

Jack Noir [ Homestuck AU ]
	It's weird seeing Jack as a human. But a Jack's a Jack, and if his default greeting is stabs, Karkat knows he hasn't changed much. In the absence of his own Jack, Karkat has taken to following Jackdo around and cleaning up his stupid beach. Because he's a beach hobo, btws. Jack, you are his precious stabdaddyson. ;u; But now he's gone, and Karkat still cleans his beach for him.

Becquerel [ Homestuck ]
	fuck dis dog

Pounce de Leon [ Homestuck ]
	weird

the Signless [ Homestuck ]

Like how Al Gore describes global warming, Karkat describes the Signless: an inconvient truth. To Karkat, he’s the representation of all his problems, shortcomings, and worries all packed into a peaceful, significantly less worthess version of himself. At first, they fought... a lot. Karkat wanted nothing to do with the troll, and the Signless held Karkat to various expectations that were just not going to happen. For all parties involved, it was a terrible experience, and would have continued to be, except something strange happened... The Signless apologized. Even stranger, Karkat forgave him and apologized himself. The impossible happed. Who knows what they’ll do next (not me).

everyone else ever:

TARDIS [ Doctor Who ]
	Karkat and the TARDIS couldn't have a civil conversation if their lives depended on it. They pretty much hate each other in a completely unromantic way.

Camille [OC]

Out of everyone not in the Homestuck cast, he trusts her the most. Almost on par with how much he trusts the Terezis. She keeps him heavily supplied with vast quantities of sweets and baked goods, and she knows about his blood color after comforting him when Gamzee died. Besides, it’s hard to carry asshole momentum when the target of hate remains unruffled and slightly entertained at one’s own shenanigans.

Azula [ Avatar: Last Airbender AU ]
	They bitch at each other like little kids all the fucking time. Dropped.

Sarah Connor [ Terminator ]
	She hates robots. Karkat hates robots. It is a friendship started in heaven. Also, Sarah has survived the pregnancy parasite and lived to tell the tail. Karkat is incredibly impressed by this feat. It helps that she also gives some pretty damn good relationship advice. Currently dropped. Karkat is sad.

Samus Aran [ Metroid ]

A while ago, Jin went missing and a group of individuals decided that it would probably be a good idea to find him. After a significant period of bitching and searching, Karkat fell into a crevice, and then a volcano decided to throw up some lava. He wouldn’t have stood a chance. Fortunately, Samus was there and saved his sorry ass, so now he feels an obligation to pay her back. It doesn’t help that her fashion taste is miserable, and she once forgot to bathe or eat for a significant amount of time. Also, one tends to develop fondness for people who save you live. It just tends to happen, man.

Kevin Flynn [ Tron ]
	[TEXT TEXT TEXT]

Jin Tian [ OC ]
	Karkat is honestly convinced that, in order to claim residency in Sacrosanct, you have to make this guy cry at least once. It isn't hard to do at all. But after Hypatia tortured the fuck out of him, Karkat's felt incredibly guilty about how he's treated Jin in the past.

Convoy Super Black [ Transformers ]
	oh my god fuck this robot

RoboChell [ Portal AU ]
	She's helpful, and Karkat doesn't understand why. He's pretty suspicious.

Barricade aka Barry Kade [ Transformers ]
	fucking worst asshole on the entire goddamn station

Buffy Meissonier [ Newsflesh ]

Outside of the Homestuck cast, Buffy is probably his best friend in Sacrosanct. Periodically, they have hardcore romcom movie nights where they stay up to ridiculous hours discussing and watching both human and troll films. They watched Twilight together. While Kanaya was gone, Karkat developed a hardcore pale crush on her, but forced himself to ignore it, because he was still head-over-heels in pale with Kanaya. He still offered one-way, friends-only feeling jams when Buffy needed it, though. Their relationship got even more ridiculous during the aging event, when Buffy was Karkat’s age. They kissed, and he liked it. Currently dropped. Her leaving prompted Karkat to sit around in the ruined remains of his closet and eat cupcakes for a month. Lots of crying happened.